JOURNEY

2008-06-10T23:44:00.010+08:00

Actually...Man can be created n meant to be alone..At least I feel Iam..Becos with God's love, everything is sufficient..If God had Not loved us so much that he gave man a partner, perhaps some people may Not need to feel so troubled by it...Just becos this world is bounded by the cycle of going through the stage of courtship, marriage then family etc, we are preasurized, envied n influenced by such culture.

"I don't deserve all these that you have done for me..I don't intent to take it for granted too..It is Not that I dun care or appreciate..But I just couldn't help to respond in such a way when I don’t feel things rite and comfortable...I Just need some time n space to accept things. I believe a relationship needs to start with a good friendship, and a relationship Can be developed with time, though I still feel mutual is important..But while developing the friendship, we still need to understand, draw a line or being sensitive for the acts and give each other time n space, isn’t it? I can understand how it feels when a man found one who has no mutual to him. These few days I've been praying n asking God how to handle these people who seems serious in this friendship. I sincerely appologise. When I see the hurts, I really feel very sorry. I feel bad, upset…Becos It is really Not meant to be this way..I mean I really don’t want it to be this way…I really just wana to enjoy the friendship..."

I really wonder If God has anything beta for me..When I look back in my life journey, I really feel I’ve fought an empty battle. I’ve received nothing, I still could not understand things which I knew it is not meant for me to understand anyway, I could Not find what I’ve been searching, nevertheless, I knew one thing; God has taught me how to be just feel contented in him, still love him and accept things that he has planned for me. But...

2 Cor 12: 9 And he said to me, “ My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

2008-05-22T23:54:00.019+08:00

My CIA course is finishing..Today My principal just pass me another form to ask me if I wana go for Higher CIA. People said that this course is not easy. Even HOD from margaret drive failed, what more about us (me)? But now this is not my main concern. Whether to take or not is an issue. Becos I have not get through my thoughts. Im not sure when will I decide to take the next move, or I will probably be staying around for another year or so? Should I continue in teaching? or probably just getting a job that has not so much of commitment needed? It's tiring though. But I do still like to teach. Sometimes I wonder am I a good teacher? There are so many thoughts that run wild in my mind..chaos...so many issues to put into consideration.
Whether what kind of life do I want to continue on..
I have so many things I wish to do at this moment. I wana go back to my commitment to God. I miss the period when I do Not have to worry abt work after working hours but to give all my time to church, ministry, friends, bible study, cg, more social life etc etc. I wish I have time to pick up my guitar again, time to learn some skills that equip me. Even autistic children have talent, what is mine?
But I need to study. I need to do tasks. Do admin. Give tuitions. Not just teaching. How can I have a balance life? Can I have both social life and enjoy working life at the same time? Haiz...

2008-05-16T00:17:00.010+08:00

Have been busy with progress reports, students hoilday homework, doing tasks, CIA project video'g, thinking of improving my project, exams etc etc..Weeks have been really stretch..sometimes miss breakfast, sometimes lunch, sometimes only manage to finish half of my meal..rushing here and there..sleep late every nite..it's a good sliming method to exercise but I guess I appear horrible on the outside..

Have been thinking through alot of stuff in the midst of all these crazy period.. Mixture of thoughts and feelings..But I still couldn't think through how to handle this season of my life..

Having through thoughts that life is really unfair..some are very blessed, while some need to go through a long way before they may see their blessings, and some seems blessings have been a long way out from their reach. Nevertheless, in God's eyes, all his plans are good though we may not see it in our eyes. Is my life going to carry on like this? Probably it is good in God's eyes n nOt mine.

2008-04-29T00:23:00.010+08:00

I said I wana seek God for who he is in my life. I wana find Him in my situation. Find revelation. Seek Him for my life..Until I know my next move..know what to do..But after much brokenness before God for the past few weeks, Im not sure if it is becos I have learnt to accept that this is what God allows me to be in now and i shall let things be, or I have just learnt to trust God for the next miracle to breakthrough. When ones soul is broken, it really affects everything u do..the way you respond to others, the way you behave and the way you do things.. Nevertheless, Im still trying to place others needs before me for the past few weeks..But subsequently, I guess it has become a "sweep under the carpet" issues of my situation. When I have to think about these stuff that I'm facing, fears creep in..Because I really couldn't get my thoughts through. There is burden that I can't get rid off..

2008-04-16T17:47:00.004+08:00

They keep emphasize on professionalism, yet not able to train teachers. It's all walk the walk, talk the talk..My trust to them has already gone..really upset..why is it that everytime I thought i wana plan to work some things out but at the end the outcome always not the way I plan..Pastor shared that if we fail to plan , we plan to fail...but so then what is this..? Though I've been hesitating..but actually in my heart I really wanted it very much..I want to go through it once and for all n not holding back anymore..But now I dun have to hesitate anymore..really disappointed..When is my boat going to reach the shore? where should I heading to now? What is the next step I should take? Wait passively n serve faithfully for another year til my turn to come? "You are faithful..your joy is my strength.." God, Im listening...this song I sing to you. You know, I don't mind waiting..But I just wana hear you speak..

What is This?

2008-04-13T00:54:00.004+08:00

After trying so hard, I started to question myself, what am I doing all these for? I am actually not happy..But I try not to live with this unhappiness. I try not to think about it..There are so many things that I thought I can work it out.. and I compromise.. I try to move on when I really dun feel like doing it..But at the end of it, everything is really so meaningless...I feel like redrawing....again...but it's not the correct way..avoiding is not a mature way of handling...but I couldn't handle neither..:'(

2008-03-23T23:29:00.008+08:00

Wah.. so long that I'ven been blogging..Life's been so busy forever..wana take a break also difficult..I really need to have more entertainments now..Haha..but can I? kK..anyway just wana upload this photo of my funny cutie boy n write a short blog here..

This is Neo Heng Wei, 10 years old, diagnosed with autism. An aloof passive boy but rather expressive n emotional.. His chuckle smile is Cute Hah! Hehe..Will lighten your day when you see his behaviour, but sometimes can be frustrating when he's always in his "off" mood.

He is suppose to play his toys at the Play area n keep His toys into the white finished basket that I just bought for him. On the 2nd trial of using the basket, this is what I've caught him at the area. Hahaha...

Heng Wei has "finished"! Hahaha!

2008-03-09T16:27:00.005+08:00

Blog is the only person who never fail to be my listener..Becos it has no choice..Haha...
As we grow older, find it so hard to have someone who's willing to listen..Everybody is so eager to talk but forgot about someone who just needs them to slow down abit and step in to share..

Was getting more stress as the burden about my job n career keep coming in my mind when sitted at the service yday..I was very distracted..I couldn't help but my face just changed out of sudden after service..Just for that moment I wished pple to approach and pray for me to release my burden n find peace in God..But people drew away and stepped back when a face without a smile was seen..I guess that is very human..

Thank God for that call from a sensitive leader; a leader from another cell..Just that call that enabled me to just at least talk things out instead of bottle up everything inside me..though there's still no solution, Im just glad to talk to a leader..guess that is all i need...

A verse to encourage myself, ya...Rom8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Seek first His kingdom and all things shall be added onto you.

2008-03-07T23:26:00.006+08:00

Really wana thank God for the week has over..Dunno why everytime I do project, I will never fail to have problem with computer..Days have been really hectic for the past few weeks besides dealing with projects..After weeks of struggles with matthew, i really couldn't take it anymore. We had a training with an invited pyschologist during the meeting just now. After the meeting, my head support asked me "so does today's meeting helps and applys to us?" I couldn't help but to tell her this, " actually I need help.." I almost break down when I told her but I held on my tears. I was surprised that before I said anything, she's already aware of my this extreme severe pupil..

This is my first time that I break down becos of my pupil. Feeling devastated. I couldn't manage..I thot I could suggest him to do a transfer as this school is not suitable for Intellecture disability pupils. But things dosn't seem to be so easy..I dunno how after this one week holiday when term 2 starts..Suddenly feel teaching is so tough now and there are so many things that's going to do n happen.Arhha...God..I need help..I need patience, wisdom, understanding, love for matthew once again n send people to help me..Sob....Very very stress...

But Im glad I came for gell group. Though Im not feeling good emotionally, I could still praise God n worship Him and I felt great. After hearing shuzhen n a bro from another cg's testimony, they made me reflect on my life and I think I have testi too.. Hehe..Ya, I learnt from pastor that to come for such mtg (may it be svc or cg), it is to minister to God n not just being ministered by God. Today, I experience both..really great.. Came to understand one thing; As I worship Him with a heart of giving n not just receiving, my faith is built. Becos I learnt to truely know who he is in my life. With that, I could begin to find rest in Him. My breakthrough is, though life's still stress n problem's still remain, I could still trust n love him even more instead of getting bitter. And I think with this love, Im really contented for just having Him with me in my life. I no longer have the thought of suicided n having depression. Instead, I do see that I have so much things to do in my life and with the Lord, the joy has live in me.

But I couldn't share these with others..Can someone share for me on my behalf? Haha..

2008-01-31T23:16:00.000+08:00

Realised the saddest thing is that people misunderstood you the way which you have totally no idea of .. It can be really hurt..it's no difference than being accused..No wonder people say PR is difficult yet most important. I realised whether you communicate or don't, open or not open, people can still have misunderstanding abt you. I wonder is there any problem with me or human being are just difficult to understand..

But I guess I felt better now after finally break down this morning..Thanks to that sms that broke this already fragile heart..though it's painful that there's another blow..but at least now something has released.

I have already told myself that I wana live happily. But why it seems living in this world n society, it's difficult to be..

New principal coming tomorrow le, prepare for the worse..Really need to pray alot..so many things to pray- favor, career, job, studies, mae, mother, school / culture / management (colleagues principal parents, students), so many so many..

Feeling pain at heart

2008-01-28T22:58:00.000+08:00

Feeling pain at heart

I find myself really so Xin Ku every day when I go to work. Why would I involve in such politics for no reasons? Im just neutral but why just people didn't see that? They have conflicts with Jo is their problem ma..These have been getting from bad to worse. There are so many heart issues which I could not understand why am I being drag into it. I can't break the ice which I've been trying. I haven really have the chance to build the relationship with them in the first place..I have done nothing wrong..I wana be the salt of the light. I wana break the ice, break the heart issue..I wana favour... sob..

It's a mistake that principal has placed me n mag to be the Event IC, it creates more misunderstanding. I thought I can make use of this opportunity to step out. But I was wrong.

I really can't understand. Why are we here for in the first place? I thought all of us are serving together for the same purpose n that we should even work together for the best? Why should there have pushing of responsibilities n conflicts about these?

We went to China town as a school just now. Jo was on leave and I was asked to take over her class as well. Thank God for Alex to look after my marcus and Im really glad that Heng Wei didn't act up and was well behave through the outing with the visuals (photos) that I prepared for him. But the entire outing, I kept looking out for jo's pupils and their parents, making sure that they followed my class. Hai Ting's mum was like keep taking pictures on the way n lost her way with us. Then managed to find out that she was with the other group of teachers (evelyn's group) Evelyn asked me how? I also dunnno how cos I can't be asking her to go all the way back and search for me. Then I said can she followed her group then. I never expect that she replied " like that very clever lor.." then kap my phone before I wanted to discuss with her what's best could be done. Im very hurt lei.. Not just becos she kap my phone, but thinking what is this kind of working attitude as a teacher? Just let the parents to follow them only ma, she dun even have to look after the pupil, very difficult meh? We dun work for each other ma, but we work the the pupils, rite so isn't it that we shouldn't be so ji jiao? Ok, then never mind, being thick skin and I tried call back to tell her we meet at mcdonald lo, just dun want to spoil the relationship..then in the midst, I met the parent and wanted to call her to let her know I've found them already but she din reply.

I'm very scare that I couldn't take this kind of culture one of the days and break down. Initially I didn't feel affected but it seems to be getting worse n so obvious to see the favoritism n groups in this school. But as I look back and see how God brought me to this place lei.....Sob..How...Wish all these things will get over soon.. :(

Cruise with family

2008-01-13T00:29:00.000+08:00

First Cruise with Mummy n family..

Mummy and my room

waiting with heavy bag

Silly post

Haha..The small boat is here to push our Cruise so that we can be in position to the shore. Hmm..Don't look down on the little. It can do great things wor!

Me at the head of the cruise!

Mummy at the head of the cruise!

Haha..the second version of Tatanic..bleh

Haha..oh my God, mummy on sun glasses!

Hmm..Ho...brother cannot open his eyes. That's the good use of sun glasses.

Yea, loving loving at the pool..

Waha...Mummy at the gym? Amazing!

Wah wah wet! act cute but not cute!

Mummy nice post!

Mummy Driving cruise hehe..

Aha..nothing to play with..

Yea, that's the nice scene.

Bored waiting for food!

Quan Jia Fu

Our star virgo cruise logo

Hmm..when we just board the ship only, this mR handsome take pic with me.

Hehe..now my turn to start the ship to go home!

Step Out!

2008-01-11T22:40:00.000+08:00

Step out!

Wana thank God for the opportunity to be the Chinese new Year Event IC. Very thankful for my colleague's help to provide some ideas. It took me quite some time to plan the proposal, and realised that I am not a good organiser. Ha..that is not my strength..Although I've done most of the plannings and written work, I still didn't feel satisfied and fulfillment. My colleague partner is also the one who's afraid to speak in a big group. She asked me to present the proposal during the meeting. Wah, stress! I knew I'm afraid and that's my weakness too. But I told myself n God that I wana breakthrough. I wana step out. I wana change. I dun want to remain where I am. The more I fear, the more I must do it and train myself. Hence, I told my colleague ok, I shall do it..Really so stress.. But I tried not to be so self-conscious and finally I've done my speech! In the midst, I still didn't feel good. Haiz...Im not sure why. I felt inconfidence while presenting cos I think I still keep having this in mind that a junior teacher is sharing what to do for the event to the senior teachers. After the meeting, I asked mag for feedback and she said that I was just soft and gentle. Sigh..I rem I have tried to raise up my voice leh...But I knew my nature character just came out this way at that time..Didn't feel good afterall. I was telling God, with me this kind of character, How to do "big job"?

But Im glad that at least I've stepped out la! Yep! Thanks for the courage and Give God the glory!

Revelation?

2008-01-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

Revelation?

I went to Cindy's house for tuition. I tried very hard to recall the address as I only went there twice before the one week break from tuitions. The worse thing was that my HP was flat. In my mind, I was thinking " oh gosh, How am I going to get there and I'm going to be late! As I was cracking my brain cells, hmm..I couldn't rem if I've prayed..I just walked to the bus-interchange wondering which bus should I take, the bus number 157 keep appearing in my mind so strongly. I couldn't explain why this number, or maybe becos my heart just recalled that I took bus 157 that time. I wasn't sure if it was the number but suddenly I just sensed that it seemed HS was leading me. Not that I didn't trust the HS, but becos I wasn't sure, so to play safe, I thought of an idea : to remove and replace my phone batt again to see if I could retrieve Cindy's number and contact her mum. Thank God it works and the mum told me the bus was correct!

Ok, I board the bus finally. But next, I thought to myself : gosh, then what's the blk n unit? aha..I had no answer throughout the journey. Ok, I told myself never mind, I shall see how and this time, I rem I prayed. Amazingly was I didn't feel the anxiety. I alighted at the familiar bus-stop and just head towards the blk which I thought I've rem. But I couldn't find and I walked such a big round near the blks twice. So near yet so far....The routes seemed unfamiliar. I was very tempted to ask the passers-by but in my mind, I was thinking if it's the lord's leading me previously, I should just walk and search to see how he led me. keep walking and searching was just all I did. Suddenly felt the sense of lostness and really totally empty and nothing from the HS. But I kept walking.

Then a revalation came as I analyst and lead this towards my career and life searching which I've been troubled. God is all along standing by my side and leading me actually. Sometimes I feel it, but sometimes not. But he is still there watching. As I keep walking and lean onto the HS despite the unfamiliar routes I heading in the midst, HS will jus somehow make me walk towards my destiny and where I want to head to.

And there later I realised that I've reached Cindy's blk and her door step.

2007-12-31T23:22:00.000+08:00

Finally the photos are uploaded..precious photos cos it's so difficult to get this class photos..Memories of my first own class in SAS....

Lilac Class 2007

Klinston, Alvin, Pi Yang and Teacher Eileen.

Hmm..This teacher looks smaller than the kids.. --"

The Indian dressing! Good looking at camera, Alvin and Klinston! :)

Klinston is so funny....Don't know why he will make that post..Haha...

Ah yo..Alvin's still engrossed playing with his new dressing.

Yea, finally he is looking...So proud of myself to manage to get him wear this indian clothes though with much struggles..hehe...

Work with Junior Talent during Holidays

2007-12-27T10:40:00.000+08:00

This is what I have been doing during the holidays.

(Work Part time at Junior Talent student Care Centre)

My three darlings. Ying Ying, Angel and pei En

Making dumblings with the children

Ruo Yu, Teacher Eleen and Zoey.

Ruo Yu (P4)

Science Centre trip with the children

Jun Wei, Calvin and Jemson the naughtest boys also my darling boys

surrender

2007-12-04T20:13:00.000+08:00

Surrender

What is surrender?

Surrender is...
1. Sacrificing your life or suffering in order to change what needs to be changed.
2. Not giving up rational thinking.
3. Best demonstrated in obedience and trust.

Obey:
- obey God's word even if it dosn't make sense or you don't fully know the things ahead of you.

Trust:
- To follow God without knowing where it would take you.
- Wait God's timing without knowing when.
- Expect miracle without knowing how.
- Believe that God is good at all circumstances.
- Trust God's purpose without knowing why circumstances happen the way they did.

Surrender can only be done easily when you fully trust that God is so good and he loves you so much. Therefore, we must learn to accept and truly recieve His love. Then comes for you to believe and trust that he is good. Follow by knowing he has good plans n purpose your life.
Look at christ with his arms outstretch on the cross, saying "I love you this much! I'd rather die than live without you."

Jesus prayed " Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, nt mine."

Thank you lord for the words that minister and heal my soul. I am learning to surrender. But I must truly believe and receive His love for me (which I just realise actually I've not) before I trust that God is good and has purpose my life. I do not compromise what God wants to do in my life. God is able to do anything. Just surrender to him for the things that are going to happen in my life and trust that in Rom 8:28 God is works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. However, Now I really need the guidiance and advises. What should I do? God's advises, not from human wisdom but God's.

Keep renewing my mind and fill with God's words n soak in His presence. Reject all the devil's lie the moment it comes to you and remind myself I AM THE CHILD OF GOD!

The hug from Nick Vujicic that brings relevation

2007-12-02T23:35:00.000+08:00

The Hug From Nick Vujicic That Brings Relevation

I went to Nick vujicic's service at FCBC with mae as she has not attended it before. This was the second time I heard his sermon- the same as what he preached at CHC that time.

In CHC, I was sitting alone by myself with a burden and broken heart. I was really touched by every of His words as he preached. Every single words arrowed directly into my heart and I couldn't stop weeping. Felt totally healed and ministered..

Again when second time I heard the same thing at FCBC, probably becos I've heard it before, it didn't have so much impact in me anymore but I only felt that Nick was so broken and he really loves God so much so as the Lord loves him. After the service, we took the courage to the queue on the stage to hug Nick. Initially, my intention was to give my love to him. I've nothing to say to him when I went up the stage. Mae was before me. I saw tears streaming down her cheek as she shared about her brokeness and thank him for the sermon. The moment I really felt like crying too. When my turn to hug him, I could really felt his love for me. He hugged me so tightly with his two shoulders; though he has no arms. And he whispered into my ears " I love you". A very touching moment that I've never felt before. I felt more love from him than I have given him. I suddenly realised that in all my life, I've actually not really received the love from God at all. Though I knew he loves me, but I have not truely received it openly in my heart. When I couldn't receive his love, I couldn't understand who God is and know how Good he is n thus I struggle to entrust my life in His hands. That is my relevation! Receive Jesus's Love just as Nick has when he was so much broken at his most helpless and hopeless period.

Nick Vujicic's sermon

Jeremiah 29:11

If God has a plan but why hasn’t he changed our life? We keep praying and praying as the bible says ask and you shall receive. But you ask where God is when things don’t change?!
The power of perspecting to embrace the circumstances.
- Who knows the ways of God when he says his ways are better than us.
- Nic says I’m going to change the world if you going to give me arms and legs.
- We think we only have victory in our lives when he changes our circumstances.
- God doesn’t want to change our circumstances, he want to change our heart. He says seek him 1st n his kingdom.
- You worship him but what is in ur mind? We sing holy n praise him only when he gives us this n that one day. God is a good God not bcos of ur circumstances but he is faithful n he will never fail you.
- Nic can’t get married; have good career, family and children. But God says in
jer 29:11, he has something better.
- We may not see it good either. Vs 12-14
- You will find him though he may not give you a full map of ur life but you’ll find
peace, joy and comfort. 2 cor 12:9
- My grace is sufficient for u. For my strength is made perfect in weakness. The
power of Christ may rest upon u.
- We think we are weak n is no good.
- Weak- we talk about the lack. But God says when we see our weakness, his strength is made perfect.
- When His power is upon you in Jesus Christ, the circumstances is nothing anymore.

Rom 8:18
- 1. Everything is going to be alrite.- not ur circumstances going to change.
- 2. You are going to love.
- He’s going to pull u through and he knows it if you going through something.
- Fear n guilt is the main things that hold us back. God says he is going to give us
the spirit of sound n mind.
- Fear-failure,discourage,hold back
- You can’t exercise patience until u have to wait.
- Ecc 3:4-8 everything there is a time for every purpose. It din say a time to be
alone. There time u feel alone but u not going to be alone.
- Phil 1:6 if u have not finished with God, he is not going to finish with you. If u
believe God has started a good start, he will finish the finish work. U keep
falling, lean forward n press forward. Dun let pple to hold u in, cos nobody is
perfect.
- Rom 28:8
- There is no joy in my circumstances but there is joy in purpose of my
circumstances. Just becos u can’t see the good yet, the purpose yet, it doesn’t
mean it’s not coming. His patience with you is awesome.
- James 1:2,4 he supplies all ur needs n u dun need anything else but just realize
Jesus is more than enough.
- There are always thots that say I’m not good enough. Nic went to main stream n
pple say him. It’s hard to ignore. He’s going to give up on God if 1 more pple is
going to tease him again, cos he’s thinking what kind of hope n future he has.
There are times in ur life u feel u can’t go on. Knowing you are the child of God
n that’s the truth. He starts fighting with the truth. Sometimes he fall..and he
says “get up!”..But how? It’s Impossible! But he knows the two words “I am”. This
is abt God can do in ur life if u let him in. There’s a perfect in God when he
says no. God says no when he asked for arms n legs. When u ask in the rite heart,
seek first his kingdom n all these things shall be given to u. phil 4:4
- Dun forgets the joy in ur salvation.
- God uses u in ur circumstances. Dun give up on God cos God’s not going to give up on u.

2 cor 12
- So many people giving up cos they believe they have to go thru this life alone. It
is abt a personal relationship with God not I need to do this n do that..
- John 9:1
- The perfect strength of God shows in ur life when u smile. Whether ur
circumstances are going to change, the glory of God will be revealed.
- Rom 8:18
- Ps 139
- Conqueror is when u defeat n has victory when u still have ur circumstances.

Art Camp 2007

2007-11-16T20:54:00.000+08:00

Art Camp 2007

Lilac Class Art Station

Klinston and Pi Yang's creation

It is so fun to see autistic can be creative too. I've never seen Klinston laughed out with sound when he placed the hair on the doll's head. He knew it looks funny!

Klinston's master piece

I never teach him at all!

Oh my Tian! Klinston did these at the work alone! He could even laugh at his own art piece as I laugh at them with shock, surprise and amazement when I found out.

Deepavali Celebration

2007-11-13T21:50:00.000+08:00

Deepavali Celebration

Zhi En

Timothy

Jo, Mag, Chia Ying and their classes

Sharmi

Klinston's cooking prata

Pi yang's turn Now

Look at Klinston's curious look..

Ai Yo..what a face..Haha..

Alvin....why are you drawing on teacher's hand?

That is just testing!

Haha..he will do the drawing on teacher's hands, on his hand by himself, but will still never let teacher do it on his hand

Being force by Teacher Eileen to take photo. Hee..

Dancing in the library! Amazing Alvin will dance!

Princess Hikari...

My colleagues

Food for the day! Spicy..

Love Him again

2007-11-02T18:23:00.000+08:00

Love Him again

I didn do well..i lost my strength half way through..I can say that I'd given up 20% in this midst of it. Really want to trust God for a miracle but I'm afraid. Im afraid of not knowing what to do.

2 cor 12: 14,19-21 "I will not be a burden to you, because what I want is not your possessions but You."
I weeped non-stop as these words seemed to spoke from God to me. im not sure if i have felt his presence n touch. It drew my heart back to Him this day that I wana love Him again.

Life without HIM..thoughts of the week

2007-09-20T00:28:00.000+08:00

Life without HIM..

1. Feeling Lousy...no matter how I try...triggers me to feel bitter n upset in my heart again, along the journey home after class.. I refused to think about them.. get busy and move on...

2. Friends are just for sweet memories...Nobody will ever stay in your life despite how much you cherish the individual...no matter how close both may be, it will just only be that season...Suddenly miss my friends in VFC...but all have left their ways....I refused to take things too hard...be understanding n accept the way of life...get busy and move on...

3. I love to conduct lessons when I know what to do with them, when they are cooperative n enaged in my lessons, seeing individual's progress from zero to "something", discovering individuals' unique behaviours...I love training and I always wanted to do and prepare more stuffs for the following lessons but I get to lost most of the energy n strength to do it when it comes to the end of the day. Days passed one after another..get busy and move on...

4. Realised it's really really so tough to teach academic for these children..There is lesser structured and concrete learning tasks for them to cope with..Always have to remain patience when they are off in mind. It's so tedious and after finishing work with teacher with the 2nd child, I lost energy n the teaching spirit with the 3rd one. Imagine I only have 3 kids....==" next year how to cope with four?

5. One of the nites, though I was physically exhausted terribly and my body's laid dead on bed, but my hardworking brain's still working OT..couldn't stop her...out of sudden, being a SNO came into my mind. The more I positively imagine myself being it and touching n changing lives of many potential people n my career begin to enter the first step of breakthrough from then, the more I couldn't sleep..How is being a SNO going to be like? Know I'm just dreaming...it's another day to go....get busy and just move on..

6. I thought there is no politics in special school cos we are all on the same level. Seeing teachers talking behind teachers, different social groups form, teachers leaking information, parents talking behind the backs and spies all around, favoritism etc..dangerous culture..surprised that Jo asked me for opinion n shared abt her view of this teacher..another christian who appears to do good on the outside...

7. Observing the way the teachers teach during social competence programme. The children would just get the scolding or "threaten" to chase outside the room when they could not answer or follow what the teachers want. I knew Daniel didn't know how to answer cos he hasn't taught how to..Looking at them like so poor thing...It seems that even when they are "threatened" to go outside the class if they answer wrongly, they still give the same "wrong" answer which seems correct to them! Is this the rite way of teaching? Don't forget they are autistic RIte?! Being fierce may not apply to all kids..do they really understand what we want? They are just afraid of the fierce loud scolding..anyway I dun have the rite to judge then. Just move on...

8. A friend's mother who went through the same process as mum- colon cancer operation,
stage 2. Recently just know that her cancer reoccur after a year of radiotherapy. I read an article that cancer cell will regrow 6 times in a person who got it. Really scare that I couldn't imagine how long can my mum live n need to suffer within these years. There is nothing to strengthen her physical health, nothing can be done to prevent either. Really cherish every moment with my mummy..Becos of her, should I come back to HIM?

On my mum's birthday, I asked what's her wish n the things that she wish to have or do in life. She just replied, her last wish is to see me get married which she doubt she's able to see before her last breathe. I teared...cos I couldn give any promise...

The days without God at all.....it seems fine...n Im getting used to the weeks and days without going service, without fellowshipping with christian friends, without encouragements, without cg, without hearing the words n without praying...tried to get myself back though, but my heart seems not able to receive anything..like an arrow that shoot me but bounce away... shut off...Sometimes it seems better if I ignore my problem n stop talking/comtemplating... get myself busy to let days passby me..When I dun talk to HIm about my problems, I dun let the problems run in my mind..I dun expect...I let go of what it will be n going to be...sounds avoiding n useless of me...? Who understands the long distances behind this path I've started to walk?
However, one moment, I feel I could only turn to HIm when all my friends left or couldn understand...Whether is he listening to me...I couldn care much...
I just don't have the courage to come back..to trust, to expect, to love once again....Im afraid to listen to his words that brings empty hope once again...I hope I can love but without trust, but i know it's ridiculous...one moment I get harden, one moment I break down easily..

It's enuff to think too much again..get busy n just move on......

2007-09-03T23:15:00.000+08:00

Waiting

Whenever I think of going to give up, I feel hurt..Has He feel hurt too? Do I really have to come to this point? I will miss the kind of life going svc n cg. Why din he do anything to draw me once again? Does he still care?

2007-09-02T01:31:00.000+08:00

It's hurt!

I told myself Im not going svc anymore..But I still went with Mae just now; giving myself some hope that the lord would minister to me once again. But my heart wasn't there though..I had this lukewarm feelings towards Him..it just hurts..I felt like turning back one moment as the song "God of my forever" sang again, and all of e sudden I miss the time serving him in the ministry.. But I really dun Know..I feel lost in this relationship. I feel backsliding...

So many things that I couldn comprehend; what pple are thinking... As long they feel that one is still with God, they will not bother about the things he/she is going through. Until one has backslided or not appear in church for very long, pple start searching n caring then. Are pple more concern about us going to church/cg more than our spiritual being nowadays? By then will it be too late n difficult to peel off those layers upon layers of hurts that have laid harden n solidified? I wonder if it matters to God that I turn back to Him again...But if He dosn even bother, why should I bother?

2007-08-26T00:51:00.000+08:00

God of my Forever

GOD OF MY FOREVER
AND FOREVER I'M WITH YOU
MY LIFE IS SAVED
WITH A PRICE
YOUR SACRIFICE
REDEEMED MY SOUL

GOD OF MY FOREVER
AND FOREVER I WILL SING
MY GREATEST HONOR WILL ALWAYS BE
TO SERVE MY LORD AND KING*

The first time when we sang this song, my entire spirit was driven into the presence of God. I sang truely with all my heart telling God esp the last two phrase " my greatest honor will always be To serve my lord and king".

But the second time I hear this song today...I stood silently...All of the sudden this song led me to reflect the times from the day of my salvation, those path n struggles I passed through in family, til the day I made my decision to baptism and then those days I faithfully serving from then. I still rem I wrote to God in this blog "I've never regretted following you"..But I started to question myself who is this God in my life n that I've been trusting now? Why will I still not regret when I realise I've doubt my belief? Looking at where am I in my life now..I have no answer; just confusion.

All I know is that I couldn't feel His love anymore. When my life's in a mess, after clearing up, it's still a mess.. Grappling with problems after problems does not seem to mould me but it breaks me..1 cor 10:13 says God will not let us go through things beyond what we can bear..but I feel that it's enough of these now; Im left in shreds.

This day If I give up on you lord, perhaps I will be alittle happier? First, the devil will not attack me, Second, I will not have hope n struggles with you to find my directions, purpose and life. When I do not have hope, I will learn to look at the fate and let go and not feel disgruntled when there's no signs of breakthrough that I've been searching and praying for. I do not have to keep searching for your will that has no answer and what you want me to be. I will not be hurt when I see others enounter with u and experiencing ur blessings. Would things be getting beta? But I will still say, " I've never regretted my decision to follow u.."- truely from my heart..

Im confused..I do not know should I or should I not..

Can a broken wing soar again?

2007-08-23T23:18:00.000+08:00

Can a broken wing soar again?

How do we determine one's passion? Initially I thought I've found mine. But there are times when I will not feel like teaching and I do not have to work when it's time for my family, friends and church during weekends. Does it mean that I have lost my passion or this is not the one actually?

My principal said that she wants to send me to NIE next year. But I didn dare to tell her that I am actually not eligible. One being a teacher but can't be recognised as a teacher registered with MOE; will it matter to me?........It matters.... How long will I stuck in my life? I loathe this feeling of insercurity..

I always wonder why God shows visions to pple when they pray and search for something but I've been praying and searching too, yet everything seems to be on human's effort; Ultermately Im still back to square and keep asking the same quest after years. I always feel touch by others' testi abt God showing visions. I wonder when will God show me too...

Getting tired of christian life..When you keep knocking on the door where you din retrieve any respond days after days, months and then years, will you still stand there and not leave the house?

Am I getting bitter with God? Have I doubt his love for me? One moment I wana give up christian life and totally steer clear from church.

Heal my soul

2007-08-18T20:51:00.000+08:00

Heal my Soul

I slept the entire morning. I wish I couldn wake up.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask You that why are you so selfish? You created man cos you wanted fellowship. We've never known that we'll fall into sin and then suffering lives in us from then on. Life's isn't easy but if we dun have to live, then it wun be difficult.

Last time, I used to live in the past. I hated myself- everything that's in me. But now I lived in the future. Always comtemplating about my future and live in fear and apprehension. I do not know how to live in the present-TODAY; Live the fullest with your purpose, with joy. If we fail to plan, we plan to fail. But I do not know how to plan, thus I'm daunted every of the "today". I still hate mself- everything, every part of me.

Is easy to encourage others with biblical words but Your words could not move me anymore. It will only touch me a little and bypass me. I want to break down before you and rest in your arms once again but I couldn't. I have nothing to say when come before you during our session. I wish I can weep before you and I'll feel alittle better; whether find it better cos I've assuaged my inner hurts and bitterness or I've found healing from you.

Watching the newborn christians at the salvation call, I reflect myself on the day I allowed you to take over my life. Pastor will always make this statement: your life will be no longer be the same. However, looking at myself, I never really have true joy after then- the joy that's birth truely inside of you, which I think christians should have.

I love serving. I love church. I love cg. I love your pple. But I realised that I served and committed and believed so much in christ in the past, I got nothing at the end. My life is just going on in circular. You have brought me situations upon situations but there's no breakthrough or progress. I see that my path is still led to nowhere. My sister never goes to church but she has been so blessed without seeking it, Even when she chose to give you up and married her hubby. I experienced so much being a committed christians but I found that faith dosn't seem to put me into any place ultermately.

But if you were to ask me have I regretted following you, my answer will stil be no. From the day I'd made my decision for baptism, I never regret - truely from my heart. If you were to ask me hw much have I love you, I couldn't measure how much..but I only know that the blood that's in me is from you ; Just as i am my parents' flesh and blood. The relationship that cannot be denied.

I will still hang on this relationship. But I do not know how to believe and walk on. I pray that there's an explicit direction and answer from you. I'm raged to guess and find my way all by myself. How to let you lead me? I still have to work my way out..Let me see that ur immaculate timing to breakthrough is on the way and in progress.

Just one paper and I couldn't handle it well. I wish I dun have to take to devastate my confidence. I'm not geared up at all. Assuage my fear and remind me that you will lead me to ur plan regardless any circumstances and which path I walk. I really need to walk out of my life.

No life

2007-08-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

No life

Recently, I have been feeling tired mentally and physically about work. I lost patience with my students easily. One moment that I have forgotten they are auistic and I couldn't treat them like normal children. Sometimes I thought shld I go back to my own field and just work. Cos I really wish I don't have to work after working hours. But that is the kind of job I choose and God has faithfully gaven it to me.

I give up seeking the purpose of my life. I just want to be a ordinary person- Kai Xin Jiu Hao. I have been making myself miserable and miss out all the joy n youth. Sometimes if we learn to be contented to all things in life, would it be better?

Renew my passion for life and you, lord! I'm a dead person now.

Friday comes again..I want to go cg. But many times there's always something that make me struggle and hesitate. Actually, I am a person who would go cg, svc, church activities, serve rather than meeting friends or having own leisure time. Sigh...Shld I go or should I not?

Deliverance

2007-07-29T01:24:00.000+08:00

Deliverance

Deliverance session 2007- This was the second time I went. I don't understand why I always never experience God's spirit/ power/ touch that others? Why I can never experience God in the same way that others do? Does the problem lies in me or is it just that I will just never experience it? Many times I feel that I have already taken the step of faith to do what I need to do but why things still never happen/change? pple can just be delivered so easily and connected/ministered/touched by God so easily. Maybe I dun have the kind of spirit that I suppose I will have, and thus I dun feel manifested..?

The second altar call was abt fear and thoughts relating to death and suisided. A very young sister prayed for me. sigh...I think Not all leaders are sensitive to the HS. She keep praying abt the spirit of fear and bind the devil and the fear of death, keep asking me to take the step of faith to cough out. But everything was in human effort when I tried and I couldn't feel anything in me.

I still didn't feel total release for the spirit of death thots in life. Later another sister came to pray for me. And then they realised they hav prayed wrongly- the fear of death. Eventually, they asked me to approach my cg leader. ==

It has been a very long time that God sends pple to minister to me and speak into my life. Nobody is sensitive enuf to my needs and able to minister to me, understand me and help me, despite that Im open.-Hence, it makes no difference whether I share or not. But on the leaders side, we will always be taught to be opened and seek help from them n they will go through with us. Generally in christian life, sometimes when you want to follow the teaching, there is always something that makes you feel reluctant to do so. And this "something" is not what you cause it to be. Ultimately, what should we do then?

Thank You Lord

2007-06-30T01:12:00.000+08:00

Thank You Lord

Today I return to CG after months of MIA. Finally I decided to drag myself there as for the past busy weeks,I was very lost in His presence and emptiness, broken heart was all I'd.

The moment I stepped into the house, suddenly just lukewarm atmosphere was all I found. Without much conversation, I made myself sitted at the corner of the sofa trying to occupy myself with my phone. After while, mems from different cg ( xiao yun, E432 etc) arrived. "wah...haiz...if I know it's combined cell, I would have not come today," thots of regrets just automatically sank in my heart.
I couldn't mask off my stern, tired and sleepy face with my heavy eye-bag. Feeling terrible but I told myself, "no, no. Must smile n be friendly".

Anyway, Never know that xiao yun's preaching was that great. Short but good msg. The msg was generally about Everything in our life, it revolves the love we have within us. Everything about our life has to do with our love towards God and the source of our life. Matt 13:20-22 the things that went wrong is our ground;our heart. It is not that the word of God has no effect on us, but it is becos pple who receive it, are not lead by the spirit in life. we have to protect our ground. Don't let your heart dies- Ezek 18: 29-30.

The last part of the msg in Ezek broke my heart. My heart has been dead and alive.. Still feeling empty, I sat there trying to soak into His presence as xiao yun continued her ministry time. Xiao yun went around to pray for everyone of us indivdually. Feeling my eyes swollened, I thought I should control myself not to wept. It was my turn then to be prayed for. It's been so long that I haven't had such a ministering session and leaders to speak into my life. She's very sensitive to the Holy Spirit. She didnt pray any prayer for me. But the moment she spoke, the words just broke my heart. This was all she said:
I sense that you are feeling very empty, lonely and have lost all your joy. You feel that you are always giving all this life. But today, God says he is going to give you. Jesus loves you....blah blah blah which I din catch them anymore as I started to weep terribly. Xiao yun has never talked to me and she only knew me at that cg during introduction. I was amazed.

All along I nver thought if God has been hearing to my cry. He has actually heard them indeed and he knows what and how have I been feeling all these while. Words that I couldn't express...

I miss my church friends and the time when I could seek spiritual covering, guidiance, love and people who could speak things n minister into my life.

Anyway, Iam thankful. Thank you Lord for letting me know that you are near. Thank you lord for the decision to be there.

Delicated

2007-06-20T00:47:00.000+08:00

Delicated

Dear Lord,

I've failed to be a problem solver. What my sister said was rite. I've given up to reach out to my mom in a way. That is why I cldn't have the urge n ability to minister, share with her n encourage her abt you even when I know it's the opportunity. I always say I'm waiting for the rite timing but actually in another words, the main issue is I'm afraid. I've lost the anoiting, lost in words to share... I'm sorry.. seeing this financial situation that my family's facing, I feel helpless. In many situations, as the youngest, I couldn stand up to say anything cos I don't have the right n not in the position n nobody is going to listen. Father, I really hate the way Iam. Why is it that I always seem to be incapable and immature. How n what can I do in order to show others that Iam not what they think of me? Being the youngest n inexperience in the organisation makes me feel inferior again n again...I feel so useless... I've failed to be what u called me to be..I look down on myself. What else can I do? Lord, I've failed!!!!

Will I see the rainbow tomorrow?

2007-06-14T23:55:00.000+08:00

Will I see the rainbow tomorrow?

Not feeling happy for the past few days..seems like there's always a heavy stone crash press onto my heart and couldn't breath hard..feel like crying but the stubborn tears just couldn't release..very heavy..will you take away my stone and give me joy?

starting to look down on youself..I always admire pple who are capable..who has the courage and can do great things...I wana be like them but my limited ability hinders me..I wana grow out of my confort zone n prosper n be a uselful person..but where can I go forth to find my way to grow n prosper? what is the definition of success to me? How can I be happy n be a living testimony n shine for God? what is my talent? why am I here for? What is life all about?

Grow up n be matured, Eileen See! ......I wana to but just always having this "something" that block me which I can't figure out what is it...

I admire my friend who studied pyscology and is couselling people n moving towards her path. Everything goes well even when she didn't plan or intentionally searching for it.. I wana move into "touching life" job as my career..bt where n how do I start? Though I seem to be in he mist of it, but why am I not satisefy with what I'm doing now? Because I'm still unsure of my calling and I'm not a trained teacher yet..?I wana to touch people's life as career in a more professional position. But looking from the left and right side of me, I don't seem to be any of it or can be it..Where should i move on? Everytime I receive the message in service, it seems just that little moment that my spirit is lifted up..But I couldn't and don't know how to go about doing it to breakthrough my life.

Lend me a shoulder to cry on...and the rainbow will rise tomorrow.................................................

Let go and let love

2007-05-29T23:41:00.000+08:00

Let go and let love

My friend asked me to help him to take care of his puppy while he's away to reservist. But my sis-in-law refused to allow me to bring another puppy home. At the end, my friend said that he might send the puppy to SPCA. I was quite upset and showed unhappy towards my brother while I persuaded him to let me take care of it just for that particular 6days. When my brother saw that I'm angry, he got angry too and just replied me this, " I didn't owe him anything ah!"

Suddenly my brother's words appear to reflect something to me which I've been feeling disappointed with. After giving some thoughts to it, yah..it's true that in fact they have not owe me anything also. It's just that I have certain expectations which I hope to receive from them since they are my "family" and one "spiritual mummy". Christians are never been expected to be perfect too. Finally, I've totally let go of my disappointment..Thanks brother!

I will learn not to place too much expectations on man anymore no matter how much I cherish them.

The lost sheep

2007-05-27T12:40:00.000+08:00

The lost sheep

I feel tensed up. Everyone seems a stranger to me..and the new faces..I seem a stranger to them too..change of attitude...

I do miss the fellowship and everyone..but everything seems different now..

God's Devine Plan

2007-05-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

God's Devine Plan

Standing outside the operation theatre praying and interceding..Rem that the more I prayed, the more I felt fearful at one moment, as we were told that the operation lasted only one to two hours but mom had gone in for more than 3 hours, nearly 4 and the nurse told us it was still in process. I couldn't forget that moment..it's scary..Wondering if there's anything happen during the operation..minutes by minutes passed..fear just couldn't leave me..I wanted to msg people to pray, or hoping they could just stand by my side and go through this moment with me..but not even a single people call/msg to find out from me about everything..I felt lonely that moment without anyone's support and standing by my side when I truely need..

Anyway, was really glad the Lord had watched over her through the operation and had made her strong throughout the process. She recovered fast and discharged in less than 7days which she supposed to. The Lord's divine plan really amazed me..After the operation,she was downgraded to B2 ward where there's no air-con and 6pple in the ward. However, God is good. She was stationed at the corner of the ward where there were not much distractions.

On Friday, My sis's colleague (Bai mei) came to visit her in the morning. As she was on her way to leave SGH, she met her churchmate who is a social worker, praying for sick elderly at miracle healing service in lighthouse church. She's there to visit her member, and so coincidently, her member was stationed just rite beside my mom's bed in the same ward. She shared with mom in Hokkien abt Jesus and prayed for her. In the evening, two pastors (one from dialect service who my mom recognised) visited the member beside my mom's bed. They approached and talked to mom and prayed for her again. My mom was quite glad and seemed excited as they were pastors. Next day morning, another brother pastor who used to go around hospital to pray for lighthouse church members came. He prayed over my mom also but without the anoited oil which he used for his members. Everything seemed to happen so coincidently and it amazed me too. One moment my sis n I felt that her salvation was near after this incident. But after she reached home, I saw her giving thanks to the idols in my house and praying to them. :( If all these were really God's divine plan to establsh His purpose, I shall leave everything, every outcome into His hands, but praying that he will work all things for good at the end and his finished work to be done.

Experience in SGH

2007-05-02T00:27:00.000+08:00

Experience in SGH

Yesterday, one of the nurses didn't do a good job when she's trying to do blood transfusion for mom. The team that came seemed to be all trainees. After injecting the medicne into the needle on her left hand, she told mom that the medicine couldn't flow through and had to redo it on the other hand. After poking the needles TWICE on her right hand, the injection still fell through. Her hands were all swollened like a "bao" and mom felt so painful that she shivered badly. Thank God a lady standing beside came in to help. She seemed to have experience with this and mom's hand returned to normal within a short time. I kept praying and after that her pain went off. Everything seemed to be in chaos. Later, another more experienced nurse came to help mom with the injection again on a differnt position and she did it very fast. However, the nurse that hurt my mom previously returned to do the blood transfusion again. This time, she accidentally broke the packet of blood that need for my mom's transfusion. The blood dripped all over the bed. Oh my Tian....! What's the problem..? I was really so put off that I requested to the other trainee for a more skilful nurses to help. We dragged nearly 10pm for the new packet of blood to be ready.

I knew that the nurse didn't mean to make all these chaos and I was mean to tell the nurse off that I wanted to change a MORE EXPERIENCE nurse. I just couldn't accept the hurts that she did on mom cos this mummy of mine is already a worrier but she's being very strong and trying to pull herself through with such condition without being pesismistic. Anyway, I feel that it's the peace of God that's in her and I hope she realised it...

Tonite is the first time that I kiss mom on the forehead. I realised that she's so important to me at that very moment. I do not know how to treasure and appreciate her at times and I do not know how to express my love to her even when I know she mean alot to me. But tonite is the breakthrough to express my love to her.

Disappointment

2007-05-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

Disappointment

Can you please stop keep asking me for feedbacks at this period? Keep messaging me to ask for feedbacks and NOTHING else! I'm getting piss off with it. Why can't pple just understand the days that me and family are going through? Do you think I will be able to do/go for all these actitivies? Mother's Day testi / friendship day, SUN's concert...are they really so important? I'm already trying to cope with my work, studies and family matters,house chores while going to and fo in hospital. I'm reaching the peak that can't hold anymore. Do you know how I feel abt it? It seems I've been alone going through all the battles and pple are just too busy with the church activities. I feel so disappointed. Where are you when I need the support?

People always say i'm not open. But when I try to be opened, I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel that pple are listening n sensitive to my heart. And Why do pple keep expect me to take the initiative to share when I'm facing tough times? If you are not doing/feeling good, you would rather pple call you at times instead of you call them, isn't it? We don't have to keep telling or teaching others to be opened, cos pple will be opened when they feel your sincerity, infinite love and care, isn't it? Pple dun care how much u know unless they know how much u care! yes, it's true that Words are not enough at times. What vivien said was rite! - It's just your presence, phone calls, msgs or hugs etc that makes the difference, even if you do not know what to say. Aren't we were taught that actions speak louder than words? With these little things, ones can just feel your support and being by our side..

I know I shouldn't be so self-centered all these while..but suddenly just feel so weak emotionally..

In the hospital, my sis and me are just fighting the battle with the devil everyday. There are so many obstacles whenever we want to reach out to mom, leading her to Jesus. When we feel lost many times, I really wish God will send pple to lead us but there isn't.. What is going on? If the problem is on me, I pray that the lord will convict my heart n change me. But if not, perhaps I've just had to accept that that's the way of the church's or pple's culture? Anyway.. I believe God understands everything and he will still listen to my prayers and He will always be with me and my sis.

Are You A Teacher?

2007-05-01T01:22:00.000+08:00

Are You A Teacher?

Recently the days were really a struggle for me. Not just family issues, but work! Ming Cheng's behaviour was getting terrible and nowadays, I just couldn't really focus teaching them. He splashed the pail of water that stood outside the office the moment he arrived. After scolding him, he could still laugh and kept laughing all the way through and kicked me on my leg. Later out of no where, he took out a book and placed into a micro-wave in the kitchen. Thank God I was quick enough to turn off the switch, if not I couln't imagine the entire book to burn up..I tried "threaten" him by confiscated his favorite, precious bicycle as was taught by another teacher. However, this only worked on him once and it still didn't stop his silly behaviours. As for Hikari, this princess has been training my patience too. She's really a challenge for me during teaching..There are still so many goals that she has not achieved yet and the teacher-parents conference is comng. :( (sigh..)

I've been feeling so exhaused nowadays whenever I go to work. No matter how hard I tried, I still feel I didn't perform well. In this school, there always seems to have a distance between my colleagues, principal and myself (unlike margaret drive). And I realised my patience with the kids is getting from little to least as days go. It shouldn't be the way as a passionate teacher.. Is it due to my mom's suitation that cause me restless,the trouble-maker kids that cause me tired of managing their behaviour or I've already tired of this job? These three kids are very dear to me. But many times, they really drive me up and made my life difficult that I wanted to give up this job. Sometimes I wonder, actually how much difference have I made in their lives.?

http"//www.teachermovie.com

Was watching this movie clip..kina touched by it..If I were to be such a wise, talented, actively smart and capable person, I really wish to be like Miss Thompson, shine in the market place to make a infinite difference in others' lives. How long can I stay in this line to touch these special kids? It all depends if i can make it.....

my mom's report

2007-04-23T15:08:00.000+08:00

My mom's report

My mother's report has confirmed that she has colon cancer. She will be admitted to hospital on Monday to do blood transfusion before she goes for operation to remove the tumour on wednesday. After this, she will need to go through the forth process which is to test the possibility of cell regrow again n the stage of the cancer. It is an easy but major operation. But I will choose to believe that God is going to heal her n lead this situation nearer to my family's salvation.