Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Actually...Man can be created n meant to be alone..At least I feel Iam..Becos with God's love, everything is sufficient..If God had Not loved us so much that he gave man a partner, perhaps some people may Not need to feel so troubled by it...Just becos this world is bounded by the cycle of going through the stage of courtship, marriage then family etc, we are preasurized, envied n influenced by such culture.
"I don't deserve all these that you have done for me..I don't intent to take it for granted too..It is Not that I dun care or appreciate..But I just couldn't help to respond in such a way when I don’t feel things rite and comfortable...I Just need some time n space to accept things. I believe a relationship needs to start with a good friendship, and a relationship Can be developed with time, though I still feel mutual is important..But while developing the friendship, we still need to understand, draw a line or being sensitive for the acts and give each other time n space, isn’t it? I can understand how it feels when a man found one who has no mutual to him. These few days I've been praying n asking God how to handle these people who seems serious in this friendship. I sincerely appologise. When I see the hurts, I really feel very sorry. I feel bad, upset…Becos It is really Not meant to be this way..I mean I really don’t want it to be this way…I really just wana to enjoy the friendship..."
I really wonder If God has anything beta for me..When I look back in my life journey, I really feel I’ve fought an empty battle. I’ve received nothing, I still could not understand things which I knew it is not meant for me to understand anyway, I could Not find what I’ve been searching, nevertheless, I knew one thing; God has taught me how to be just feel contented in him, still love him and accept things that he has planned for me. But...
2 Cor 12: 9 And he said to me, “ My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Thursday, May 22, 2008
My CIA course is finishing..Today My principal just pass me another form to ask me if I wana go for Higher CIA. People said that this course is not easy. Even HOD from margaret drive failed, what more about us (me)? But now this is not my main concern. Whether to take or not is an issue. Becos I have not get through my thoughts. Im not sure when will I decide to take the next move, or I will probably be staying around for another year or so? Should I continue in teaching? or probably just getting a job that has not so much of commitment needed? It's tiring though. But I do still like to teach. Sometimes I wonder am I a good teacher? There are so many thoughts that run wild in my mind..chaos...so many issues to put into consideration.Whether what kind of life do I want to continue on..I have so many things I wish to do at this moment. I wana go back to my commitment to God. I miss the period when I do Not have to worry abt work after working hours but to give all my time to church, ministry, friends, bible study, cg, more social life etc etc. I wish I have time to pick up my guitar again, time to learn some skills that equip me. Even autistic children have talent, what is mine? But I need to study. I need to do tasks. Do admin. Give tuitions. Not just teaching. How can I have a balance life? Can I have both social life and enjoy working life at the same time? Haiz...
Friday, May 16, 2008
Have been busy with progress reports, students hoilday homework, doing tasks, CIA project video'g, thinking of improving my project, exams etc etc..Weeks have been really stretch..sometimes miss breakfast, sometimes lunch, sometimes only manage to finish half of my meal..rushing here and there..sleep late every nite..it's a good sliming method to exercise but I guess I appear horrible on the outside..
Have been thinking through alot of stuff in the midst of all these crazy period.. Mixture of thoughts and feelings..But I still couldn't think through how to handle this season of my life..
Having through thoughts that life is really unfair..some are very blessed, while some need to go through a long way before they may see their blessings, and some seems blessings have been a long way out from their reach. Nevertheless, in God's eyes, all his plans are good though we may not see it in our eyes. Is my life going to carry on like this? Probably it is good in God's eyes n nOt mine.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I said I wana seek God for who he is in my life. I wana find Him in my situation. Find revelation. Seek Him for my life..Until I know my next move..know what to do..But after much brokenness before God for the past few weeks, Im not sure if it is becos I have learnt to accept that this is what God allows me to be in now and i shall let things be, or I have just learnt to trust God for the next miracle to breakthrough. When ones soul is broken, it really affects everything u do..the way you respond to others, the way you behave and the way you do things.. Nevertheless, Im still trying to place others needs before me for the past few weeks..But subsequently, I guess it has become a "sweep under the carpet" issues of my situation. When I have to think about these stuff that I'm facing, fears creep in..Because I really couldn't get my thoughts through. There is burden that I can't get rid off..
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
They keep emphasize on professionalism, yet not able to train teachers. It's all walk the walk, talk the talk..My trust to them has already gone..really upset..why is it that everytime I thought i wana plan to work some things out but at the end the outcome always not the way I plan..Pastor shared that if we fail to plan , we plan to fail...but so then what is this..? Though I've been hesitating..but actually in my heart I really wanted it very much..I want to go through it once and for all n not holding back anymore..But now I dun have to hesitate anymore..really disappointed..When is my boat going to reach the shore? where should I heading to now? What is the next step I should take? Wait passively n serve faithfully for another year til my turn to come? "You are faithful..your joy is my strength.." God, Im listening...this song I sing to you. You know, I don't mind waiting..But I just wana hear you speak..
Sunday, April 13, 2008
After trying so hard, I started to question myself, what am I doing all these for? I am actually not happy..But I try not to live with this unhappiness. I try not to think about it..There are so many things that I thought I can work it out.. and I compromise.. I try to move on when I really dun feel like doing it..But at the end of it, everything is really so meaningless...I feel like redrawing....again...but it's not the correct way..avoiding is not a mature way of handling...but I couldn't handle neither..:'(
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Wah.. so long that I'ven been blogging..Life's been so busy forever..wana take a break also difficult..I really need to have more entertainments now..Haha..but can I? kK..anyway just wana upload this photo of my funny cutie boy n write a short blog here..
This is Neo Heng Wei, 10 years old, diagnosed with autism. An aloof passive boy but rather expressive n emotional.. His chuckle smile is Cute Hah! Hehe..Will lighten your day when you see his behaviour, but sometimes can be frustrating when he's always in his "off" mood.
He is suppose to play his toys at the Play area n keep His toys into the white finished basket that I just bought for him. On the 2nd trial of using the basket, this is what I've caught him at the area. Hahaha... 
Heng Wei has "finished"! Hahaha!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Blog is the only person who never fail to be my listener..Becos it has no choice..Haha...
As we grow older, find it so hard to have someone who's willing to listen..Everybody is so eager to talk but forgot about someone who just needs them to slow down abit and step in to share..
Was getting more stress as the burden about my job n career keep coming in my mind when sitted at the service yday..I was very distracted..I couldn't help but my face just changed out of sudden after service..Just for that moment I wished pple to approach and pray for me to release my burden n find peace in God..But people drew away and stepped back when a face without a smile was seen..I guess that is very human..
Thank God for that call from a sensitive leader; a leader from another cell..Just that call that enabled me to just at least talk things out instead of bottle up everything inside me..though there's still no solution, Im just glad to talk to a leader..guess that is all i need...
A verse to encourage myself, ya...Rom8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Seek first His kingdom and all things shall be added onto you.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Really wana thank God for the week has over..Dunno why everytime I do project, I will never fail to have problem with computer..Days have been really hectic for the past few weeks besides dealing with projects..After weeks of struggles with matthew, i really couldn't take it anymore. We had a training with an invited pyschologist during the meeting just now. After the meeting, my head support asked me "so does today's meeting helps and applys to us?" I couldn't help but to tell her this, " actually I need help.." I almost break down when I told her but I held on my tears. I was surprised that before I said anything, she's already aware of my this extreme severe pupil..
This is my first time that I break down becos of my pupil. Feeling devastated. I couldn't manage..I thot I could suggest him to do a transfer as this school is not suitable for Intellecture disability pupils. But things dosn't seem to be so easy..I dunno how after this one week holiday when term 2 starts..Suddenly feel teaching is so tough now and there are so many things that's going to do n happen.Arhha...God..I need help..I need patience, wisdom, understanding, love for matthew once again n send people to help me..Sob....Very very stress...
But Im glad I came for gell group. Though Im not feeling good emotionally, I could still praise God n worship Him and I felt great. After hearing shuzhen n a bro from another cg's testimony, they made me reflect on my life and I think I have testi too.. Hehe..Ya, I learnt from pastor that to come for such mtg (may it be svc or cg), it is to minister to God n not just being ministered by God. Today, I experience both..really great.. Came to understand one thing; As I worship Him with a heart of giving n not just receiving, my faith is built. Becos I learnt to truely know who he is in my life. With that, I could begin to find rest in Him. My breakthrough is, though life's still stress n problem's still remain, I could still trust n love him even more instead of getting bitter. And I think with this love, Im really contented for just having Him with me in my life. I no longer have the thought of suicided n having depression. Instead, I do see that I have so much things to do in my life and with the Lord, the joy has live in me.
But I couldn't share these with others..Can someone share for me on my behalf? Haha..
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Realised the saddest thing is that people misunderstood you the way which you have totally no idea of .. It can be really hurt..it's no difference than being accused..No wonder people say PR is difficult yet most important. I realised whether you communicate or don't, open or not open, people can still have misunderstanding abt you. I wonder is there any problem with me or human being are just difficult to understand..
But I guess I felt better now after finally break down this morning..Thanks to that sms that broke this already fragile heart..though it's painful that there's another blow..but at least now something has released.
I have already told myself that I wana live happily. But why it seems living in this world n society, it's difficult to be..
New principal coming tomorrow le, prepare for the worse..Really need to pray alot..so many things to pray- favor, career, job, studies, mae, mother, school / culture / management (colleagues principal parents, students), so many so many..
Monday, January 28, 2008
Feeling pain at heart
I find myself really so Xin Ku every day when I go to work. Why would I involve in such politics for no reasons? Im just neutral but why just people didn't see that? They have conflicts with Jo is their problem ma..These have been getting from bad to worse. There are so many heart issues which I could not understand why am I being drag into it. I can't break the ice which I've been trying. I haven really have the chance to build the relationship with them in the first place..I have done nothing wrong..I wana be the salt of the light. I wana break the ice, break the heart issue..I wana favour... sob..
It's a mistake that principal has placed me n mag to be the Event IC, it creates more misunderstanding. I thought I can make use of this opportunity to step out. But I was wrong.
I really can't understand. Why are we here for in the first place? I thought all of us are serving together for the same purpose n that we should even work together for the best? Why should there have pushing of responsibilities n conflicts about these?
We went to China town as a school just now. Jo was on leave and I was asked to take over her class as well. Thank God for Alex to look after my marcus and Im really glad that Heng Wei didn't act up and was well behave through the outing with the visuals (photos) that I prepared for him. But the entire outing, I kept looking out for jo's pupils and their parents, making sure that they followed my class. Hai Ting's mum was like keep taking pictures on the way n lost her way with us. Then managed to find out that she was with the other group of teachers (evelyn's group) Evelyn asked me how? I also dunnno how cos I can't be asking her to go all the way back and search for me. Then I said can she followed her group then. I never expect that she replied " like that very clever lor.." then kap my phone before I wanted to discuss with her what's best could be done. Im very hurt lei.. Not just becos she kap my phone, but thinking what is this kind of working attitude as a teacher? Just let the parents to follow them only ma, she dun even have to look after the pupil, very difficult meh? We dun work for each other ma, but we work the the pupils, rite so isn't it that we shouldn't be so ji jiao? Ok, then never mind, being thick skin and I tried call back to tell her we meet at mcdonald lo, just dun want to spoil the relationship..then in the midst, I met the parent and wanted to call her to let her know I've found them already but she din reply.
I'm very scare that I couldn't take this kind of culture one of the days and break down. Initially I didn't feel affected but it seems to be getting worse n so obvious to see the favoritism n groups in this school. But as I look back and see how God brought me to this place lei.....Sob..How...Wish all these things will get over soon.. :(Sunday, January 13, 2008
First Cruise with Mummy n family..
Mummy and my room
waiting with heavy bag
Silly post
Haha..The small boat is here to push our Cruise so that we can be in position to the shore. Hmm..Don't look down on the little. It can do great things wor!
Me at the head of the cruise!
Mummy at the head of the cruise!
Haha..the second version of Tatanic..bleh
Haha..oh my God, mummy on sun glasses!
Hmm..Ho...brother cannot open his eyes. That's the good use of sun glasses.
Yea, loving loving at the pool..
Waha...Mummy at the gym? Amazing!
Wah wah wet! act cute but not cute!
Mummy nice post!
Mummy Driving cruise hehe..
Aha..nothing to play with..
Yea, that's the nice scene.
Bored waiting for food!
Quan Jia Fu
Our star virgo cruise logo
Hmm..when we just board the ship only, this mR handsome take pic with me.
Hehe..now my turn to start the ship to go home!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Step out!
Wana thank God for the opportunity to be the Chinese new Year Event IC. Very thankful for my colleague's help to provide some ideas. It took me quite some time to plan the proposal, and realised that I am not a good organiser. Ha..that is not my strength..Although I've done most of the plannings and written work, I still didn't feel satisfied and fulfillment. My colleague partner is also the one who's afraid to speak in a big group. She asked me to present the proposal during the meeting. Wah, stress! I knew I'm afraid and that's my weakness too. But I told myself n God that I wana breakthrough. I wana step out. I wana change. I dun want to remain where I am. The more I fear, the more I must do it and train myself. Hence, I told my colleague ok, I shall do it..Really so stress.. But I tried not to be so self-conscious and finally I've done my speech! In the midst, I still didn't feel good. Haiz...Im not sure why. I felt inconfidence while presenting cos I think I still keep having this in mind that a junior teacher is sharing what to do for the event to the senior teachers. After the meeting, I asked mag for feedback and she said that I was just soft and gentle. Sigh..I rem I have tried to raise up my voice leh...But I knew my nature character just came out this way at that time..Didn't feel good afterall. I was telling God, with me this kind of character, How to do "big job"?
But Im glad that at least I've stepped out la! Yep! Thanks for the courage and Give God the glory!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Revelation?
I went to Cindy's house for tuition. I tried very hard to recall the address as I only went there twice before the one week break from tuitions. The worse thing was that my HP was flat. In my mind, I was thinking " oh gosh, How am I going to get there and I'm going to be late! As I was cracking my brain cells, hmm..I couldn't rem if I've prayed..I just walked to the bus-interchange wondering which bus should I take, the bus number 157 keep appearing in my mind so strongly. I couldn't explain why this number, or maybe becos my heart just recalled that I took bus 157 that time. I wasn't sure if it was the number but suddenly I just sensed that it seemed HS was leading me. Not that I didn't trust the HS, but becos I wasn't sure, so to play safe, I thought of an idea : to remove and replace my phone batt again to see if I could retrieve Cindy's number and contact her mum. Thank God it works and the mum told me the bus was correct!
Ok, I board the bus finally. But next, I thought to myself : gosh, then what's the blk n unit? aha..I had no answer throughout the journey. Ok, I told myself never mind, I shall see how and this time, I rem I prayed. Amazingly was I didn't feel the anxiety. I alighted at the familiar bus-stop and just head towards the blk which I thought I've rem. But I couldn't find and I walked such a big round near the blks twice. So near yet so far....The routes seemed unfamiliar. I was very tempted to ask the passers-by but in my mind, I was thinking if it's the lord's leading me previously, I should just walk and search to see how he led me. keep walking and searching was just all I did. Suddenly felt the sense of lostness and really totally empty and nothing from the HS. But I kept walking.
Then a revalation came as I analyst and lead this towards my career and life searching which I've been troubled. God is all along standing by my side and leading me actually. Sometimes I feel it, but sometimes not. But he is still there watching. As I keep walking and lean onto the HS despite the unfamiliar routes I heading in the midst, HS will jus somehow make me walk towards my destiny and where I want to head to.
And there later I realised that I've reached Cindy's blk and her door step.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Finally the photos are uploaded..precious photos cos it's so difficult to get this class photos..Memories of my first own class in SAS....
Lilac Class 2007
Klinston, Alvin, Pi Yang and Teacher Eileen. Hmm..This teacher looks smaller than the kids.. --"
The Indian dressing! Good looking at camera, Alvin and Klinston! :)
Klinston is so funny....Don't know why he will make that post..Haha...
Ah yo..Alvin's still engrossed playing with his new dressing.
Yea, finally he is looking...So proud of myself to manage to get him wear this indian clothes though with much struggles..hehe...
Thursday, December 27, 2007
This is what I have been doing during the holidays.
(Work Part time at Junior Talent student Care Centre)
My three darlings. Ying Ying, Angel and pei En
Making dumblings with the children
Ruo Yu, Teacher Eleen and Zoey.
Ruo Yu (P4)
Science Centre trip with the children
Jun Wei, Calvin and Jemson the naughtest boys also my darling boys Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Surrender
What is surrender?
Surrender is...
1. Sacrificing your life or suffering in order to change what needs to be changed.
2. Not giving up rational thinking.
3. Best demonstrated in obedience and trust.
Obey:
- obey God's word even if it dosn't make sense or you don't fully know the things ahead of you.
Trust:
- To follow God without knowing where it would take you.
- Wait God's timing without knowing when.
- Expect miracle without knowing how.
- Believe that God is good at all circumstances.
- Trust God's purpose without knowing why circumstances happen the way they did.
Surrender can only be done easily when you fully trust that God is so good and he loves you so much. Therefore, we must learn to accept and truly recieve His love. Then comes for you to believe and trust that he is good. Follow by knowing he has good plans n purpose your life.
Look at christ with his arms outstretch on the cross, saying "I love you this much! I'd rather die than live without you."
Jesus prayed " Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, nt mine."
Thank you lord for the words that minister and heal my soul. I am learning to surrender. But I must truly believe and receive His love for me (which I just realise actually I've not) before I trust that God is good and has purpose my life. I do not compromise what God wants to do in my life. God is able to do anything. Just surrender to him for the things that are going to happen in my life and trust that in Rom 8:28 God is works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. However, Now I really need the guidiance and advises. What should I do? God's advises, not from human wisdom but God's.
Keep renewing my mind and fill with God's words n soak in His presence. Reject all the devil's lie the moment it comes to you and remind myself I AM THE CHILD OF GOD!Sunday, December 2, 2007
The Hug From Nick Vujicic That Brings Relevation
I went to Nick vujicic's service at FCBC with mae as she has not attended it before. This was the second time I heard his sermon- the same as what he preached at CHC that time.
In CHC, I was sitting alone by myself with a burden and broken heart. I was really touched by every of His words as he preached. Every single words arrowed directly into my heart and I couldn't stop weeping. Felt totally healed and ministered..
Again when second time I heard the same thing at FCBC, probably becos I've heard it before, it didn't have so much impact in me anymore but I only felt that Nick was so broken and he really loves God so much so as the Lord loves him. After the service, we took the courage to the queue on the stage to hug Nick. Initially, my intention was to give my love to him. I've nothing to say to him when I went up the stage. Mae was before me. I saw tears streaming down her cheek as she shared about her brokeness and thank him for the sermon. The moment I really felt like crying too. When my turn to hug him, I could really felt his love for me. He hugged me so tightly with his two shoulders; though he has no arms. And he whispered into my ears " I love you". A very touching moment that I've never felt before. I felt more love from him than I have given him. I suddenly realised that in all my life, I've actually not really received the love from God at all. Though I knew he loves me, but I have not truely received it openly in my heart. When I couldn't receive his love, I couldn't understand who God is and know how Good he is n thus I struggle to entrust my life in His hands. That is my relevation! Receive Jesus's Love just as Nick has when he was so much broken at his most helpless and hopeless period.
Nick Vujicic's sermon
Jeremiah 29:11
If God has a plan but why hasn’t he changed our life? We keep praying and praying as the bible says ask and you shall receive. But you ask where God is when things don’t change?!
The power of perspecting to embrace the circumstances.
- Who knows the ways of God when he says his ways are better than us.
- Nic says I’m going to change the world if you going to give me arms and legs.
- We think we only have victory in our lives when he changes our circumstances.
- God doesn’t want to change our circumstances, he want to change our heart. He says seek him 1st n his kingdom.
- You worship him but what is in ur mind? We sing holy n praise him only when he gives us this n that one day. God is a good God not bcos of ur circumstances but he is faithful n he will never fail you.
- Nic can’t get married; have good career, family and children. But God says in
jer 29:11, he has something better.
- We may not see it good either. Vs 12-14
- You will find him though he may not give you a full map of ur life but you’ll find
peace, joy and comfort. 2 cor 12:9
- My grace is sufficient for u. For my strength is made perfect in weakness. The
power of Christ may rest upon u.
- We think we are weak n is no good.
- Weak- we talk about the lack. But God says when we see our weakness, his strength is made perfect.
- When His power is upon you in Jesus Christ, the circumstances is nothing anymore.
Rom 8:18
- 1. Everything is going to be alrite.- not ur circumstances going to change.
- 2. You are going to love.
- He’s going to pull u through and he knows it if you going through something.
- Fear n guilt is the main things that hold us back. God says he is going to give us
the spirit of sound n mind.
- Fear-failure,discourage,hold back
- You can’t exercise patience until u have to wait.
- Ecc 3:4-8 everything there is a time for every purpose. It din say a time to be
alone. There time u feel alone but u not going to be alone.
- Phil 1:6 if u have not finished with God, he is not going to finish with you. If u
believe God has started a good start, he will finish the finish work. U keep
falling, lean forward n press forward. Dun let pple to hold u in, cos nobody is
perfect.
- Rom 28:8
- There is no joy in my circumstances but there is joy in purpose of my
circumstances. Just becos u can’t see the good yet, the purpose yet, it doesn’t
mean it’s not coming. His patience with you is awesome.
- James 1:2,4 he supplies all ur needs n u dun need anything else but just realize
Jesus is more than enough.
- There are always thots that say I’m not good enough. Nic went to main stream n
pple say him. It’s hard to ignore. He’s going to give up on God if 1 more pple is
going to tease him again, cos he’s thinking what kind of hope n future he has.
There are times in ur life u feel u can’t go on. Knowing you are the child of God
n that’s the truth. He starts fighting with the truth. Sometimes he fall..and he
says “get up!”..But how? It’s Impossible! But he knows the two words “I am”. This
is abt God can do in ur life if u let him in. There’s a perfect in God when he
says no. God says no when he asked for arms n legs. When u ask in the rite heart,
seek first his kingdom n all these things shall be given to u. phil 4:4
- Dun forgets the joy in ur salvation.
- God uses u in ur circumstances. Dun give up on God cos God’s not going to give up on u.
2 cor 12
- So many people giving up cos they believe they have to go thru this life alone. It
is abt a personal relationship with God not I need to do this n do that..
- John 9:1
- The perfect strength of God shows in ur life when u smile. Whether ur
circumstances are going to change, the glory of God will be revealed.
- Rom 8:18
- Ps 139
- Conqueror is when u defeat n has victory when u still have ur circumstances.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Art Camp 2007
Lilac Class Art Station
Klinston and Pi Yang's creation
It is so fun to see autistic can be creative too. I've never seen Klinston laughed out with sound when he placed the hair on the doll's head. He knew it looks funny!
Klinston's master piece
I never teach him at all!
Oh my Tian! Klinston did these at the work alone! He could even laugh at his own art piece as I laugh at them with shock, surprise and amazement when I found out.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
